No Talk Friday

The following is a post about mental health and depression I wrote and posted for ‘No Talk Friday.’ So, trigger warnings and all the rest. It’s still important. It’s personal. It affects everyone.

It’d be extremely hypocritical to go about opening up and not do so myself. I’ve shared a few other stories and received some feedback. Most of it was emotional. So this second one will be about me. It will probably end up being long, because writer. And also deflection. Apparently I have walls. Am hard to get to know, don’t like to answer questions. Secretive. Private. Sound familiar?
You’re not wrong.
Here’s a quick knowing me primer, as it relates to mental health and the rest.
Tom appears happy – everything is good. Though expect pranks if boredom sets in.
Tom is complaining – this is actually fine. This is just my cynical, jaded, self, venting and getting it out.
Tom appears sad/moody/down – Look, it’s probably a girl. It will be fine. If I end up on the other side of the country/world on an impromptu trip that’s fine.
Tom is angry – believe it or not, not the worst thing. This usually only happens with rejection. Think manuscript submission, didn’t get a job, promotion, stuff like that. Angry means I plan on doing something about it and pushing back. Believe it or not, something constructive, I’m just working out what. This means I’ll probably clean the house, go to gym, cross off all those things I was never actually going to do and then send out five more CVs and applications by the end of the day.
Tom is genuinely upset. You won’t know. I wouldn’t let you. Not because I have issues being vulnerable, at this point I’ll talk to people as required, but very selectively. I’ll ask for help. Call someone on the other side of the world at 3am, ask to come visit. I can take those walls down easy, I don’t see it as a weakness or something that makes you less. I mean, those walls go up automatically and really fast, sometimes mid conversation, but that’s more habit that anything. My drama here is the opposite, I don’t like putting my problems on other people or having them worry about me. Being a burden. If someone else said that I’d tell them they were being an idiot. I realize it’s a trap. I’m aware. That doesn’t mean it’s not a thing.
Tom is visibly…not right. Yup, this is the big one. If you can tell something is wrong with me, it’s pretty bad. And has been going on for a while.
This was the end of last year for me. I actually don’t remember a lot of it. When I sat down to write this I had to go look at photos to figure out things. That should tell you something. December, Christmas, New Year, my birthday, it’s all a bit of a blur.
How can I describe it? For me. It was like walking around in this fog, stumbling, going through motions. Very robotic. Willing myself to do things. Eat, shower, sleep, and go to work, exercise, and socialize. When I was at work I wanted to be at home, I’d rather be at work when I was home. Being with friends and enjoying myself but wanting to leave right after I walked in the door. There was a weird…I almost want to say pressure, but it wasn’t a physical sensation, in my head. Like when your ears are blocked. Not always but a lot of the time. It went on for weeks. Some days were better, some weren’t.
Am I the kind of person you’d expect this from? If I were looking at me I’d probably be worried about me and this sort of stuff. Except I know me so I don’t worry. I know sometimes I seem to have no sense of self-preservation and a tendency to pick a fight or confrontations. Ok, those don’t sound good but I like to think I know when not to escalate things and I do back myself to handle most of what life throws at me. I had every advantage right, growing up. Friends, family, comfortably middle class, educated, western, white, able-bodied, male, straight, young enough to be fit and healthy and old enough to be taken seriously. That’s a lot of pros and a whole bunch of baggage I never had to carry. Let’s not overlook that. Lots of people have it worse than me.
That there is another trap. Lots of people have it worse than me. It’s what almost every person in therapy says, to try and deflect from themselves. No one wants to think that about themselves. That it happened, is happening. That makes it so much more real.
When your boss takes one look at you and shuts the door and asks if you’re alright, that’s real. Everyone needs a hero right? (Laugh if you get the joke. Oh look, I’m using humour to lighten the mood and deflect from a serious thing.)
When you’re with your family on Christmas and you open up to your future sister-in-law, that’s real. When your actual sister sends you a text message from across the room check on you rather than asking you in front of everyone, real.
On Christmas day I had to leave the house, where my whole family was staying. Not because of them. It was a genuinely happy time. I just struggle with those sometimes. Weddings or birthdays, celebrations. Sometimes it’s like being on the outside looking in. Wondering the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘whys’. It’s a place in your head you can’t get out of.
There was a huge storm outside, rain, there might have been thunder. But I needed to just not be there for a bit. I think I was gone an hour, on Christmas, by myself. I’m not really sure. Did they notice? I’m pretty sure. This isn’t something that would be easy for them to read. My father would be thinking ‘I wish there was something more I could do’ and my mother has told me on occasion ‘I trust you to ask for help if you need it.’
I have all these fallbacks and safeguards in my life. I’m actually really safe when I go through things like things. Depression. Angst. Drama. I won’t go into them but the first few rounds are things I can do to help myself, or things I can stop doing. Then we get into the wider circle of friends, family, workmates and more who gradually step in as required. And when I do confide and open up to people I don’t do so in the expectation that they’ll keep what I tell them a secret. It’s so if they think it’s important they can say something to someone.
I’m incredibly fortunate like that. I’m aware. For a long time I tried to spread that circle around to other people. One of the reason I kept the insanely unsociable hours I worked for so long was because of the flexibility they offered. I was always that person who was around to talk to at whatever hour, who could be there when no one else was free because of how normal life works. Sometimes that mattered. Sometimes that really mattered.
I’m deflecting again. Back to me.
A few things, since I’m being open (don’t roll your eyes, you know who you are), I don’t think I’d ever be suicidal. Possibly because of all these safeguards and situations but mostly because of how I was brought up and who I am. I can take the hits and getting knocked down and not getting my way, or what I want or having what I thought I’d have. But also, the demons in my head…they work for me. Those bad ideas, I have outlets for them and if they have any ideas about overstepping their bounds they get locked up in the basement with a closet full of skeletons and the better angels of my nature until they all learn to play nice and do what they’re told.
Fantasy writer, remember. Also more deflection. Really, even with the exceptional bad head stuff that was the end of last year, it’s never been a thing for me. I have options, I’ve always had options, so even at the worst points in my life it has never got beyond ‘well this sucks but moving on.’
Not everyone is me.
So how did it end? When was it over, did I just snap out of it?
Weirdly and unsatisfyingly, yes.
I vividly remember being at work, turning a corner in a corridor and all that stuff, the fog and the pressure, just gone. Lifted. I actually stopped, frowned and thought to myself ‘so that’s over then?’
There’s no tricks or answers here. No magic pill, no ongoing therapy. I’m not saying life isn’t a roller coaster with ups and downs but I can do without going on that particular ride again. Hopefully I’m not tripping to many alarm bells here either, no one is screaming at their screen going ‘brain tumor!’ or some scary sounding condition. That’s not the point here. It’s a rather lengthy point already so let’s not belabor it. Wow, you can literally see the walls going up again.
I was very aware when all this was going on that it wasn’t right, that I wasn’t. That annoyed me. I also knew I’d get through it.
Which brings us to that picture.
Everything ok?
Not really. But it will be.
You all can’t see it, but the next message isn’t until June. I cropped it out because privacy. You’ll just have to take my word that it’s the very nice picture I took of my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew and my almost niece on the Gold Coast. And everything is ok.
I did say this would be about me. Ok?